Waiting for me to go back to work, to save, to sell, to pack, to move. 2011 seemed like a bundle of culminations, even after 2010.
One letter after another dictated our actions. New emails, and phone calls guided us and life trickled by, though we kept punching the "hold" button.
Wee man and I came to understand each other. I learned to dance, literally and figuratively. His smiles became more real, and we all held our breath for September.
There were beautiful weddings. I saw my baby sister in her perfect dress on her perfect summer day. I told her, in a speech, that we had an unspoken and unconditional care for each other. I sputtered, like I knew that I would, and then danced with my nephew until my feet were too blistered to move. My toe-nails remained bruised until the snow started to fall.
My grandmother died. We took Wee Man to visit her for a final time and I pushed the burning in my throat away when I saw her wide eyes and hands reach for him. I told her I loved her and smiled. I did my best to make my baby laugh and coo for us. We visited her in the hospital during the day and at night my heart was torn out with thoughts of her loneliness. The night before we left, I told her that we'd visit before we got on the plane. "See you tomorrow" was the last thing I said. When my mother got home from a later visit, she told me that my grandmother had asked me not to come back before we left. She couldn't bear it and what could we possibly say to each other? I was relieved. What could we have said? The last visit had been a good one.
About a week later I got a phone call from my father that she was gone.
Then we came here, in September, which felt like our real year's end. I'll tell you now that it hasn't been easy.
The last few months seem like a blur of fatigue and tension and isolation. Mr.Fella's program has been harder than either of us expected, and we both expected it to be hard. I invested a lot of psychological energy into a workplace that didn't seem willing to invest much in me. I decided to go back to school, we panicked about finances. We struggled to understand each other and communicate our needs while still having something left for our son. There were days we worked together and days we didn't. There were days we were on our own. I desperately, piercingly, missed my friends.
But. We are getting there.
In the last few weeks I've felt a change and I have hopes for 2012. We've managed to catch a few breaths and prioritize our lives again. This happens from time to time, something shakes us up and we become disoriented; then the dust settles we find each other again. We need our senses of self. We need to work together and we're moving there.
I'm going to spend less time working, more time at home.
I'm going to start dancing again.
2012, me and my Fellas.